Hot for Teacher

Q

Hi, I’m twenty four yr old and am in love with my college professor. I am
heterosexual and have never been in love with a woman before although I do
feel attraction for certain women. My college professor is married with two
grown children my age.

I know it is not right to dream about someone who is married, and its not like I want her to cheat on her husband. Let me tell you how she acts towards me.

When I was a junior last year, I would always catch her staring at me, when I did she would quickly look away, when I talk to her even a hi or how are you, she gets very flustered and of course so do I.

She always looks out for me, and sees how I’m doing even though she is not my teacher this year. She writes me notes, but only when I write them to her. During summer semester, she watched as me and my best friend had a fight and insisted I stayed with her at school until I felt better, she knew something was wrong, and had me laughing in no time.

She has always tried to be the one grading me, or by my side when I do work so she can calm me down and get me focused. This year I have a new teacher, and I notice her (my old teacher) still watching me every now and then, when I walk by her.

I’ve tossed out a few comments before . Example: I was in her office but had to go
to another class, and said “ahh, I don’t want to go to class I would rather stay here” and she would say”I know, but you should go.”

Another classmate of mine who isn’t friends with me has said that she thinks our teacher is a lesbian even though she’s married and forty-four years old. My questions:
1.) Is there a possibility she’s a lesbian?
2.) are there clues in a person’s behavior?
3.) I fantasize about her all the time, can I make some kind of pass?
4.) Are there lesbians that just get married? and have kids? is this common?
5.) Should I try to fall out of love and how do you do that after a year and
a half?

My heart still does flip flops when she enters a room.

6) One more: I notice I purposely avoid talking to her, because its very
hard to contain my love and feelings, could it be possible that she does the
same? (my friend noticed that she gets flustered as well)

7) Even if nothing happens with her, is there a way to tell if she ever had
any feelings for me, by a question I can ask her or behavior?

A

1.) Is there a possibility she’s a lesbian?
Yes, there is always the possibility.

2.) are there clues in a person’s behavior?
Sometimes, if you know what to look for and it’s usually in the eyes and the walk.It’s hard to describe, and to be truthful, my gaydar isn’t always 100%.
As a generality, lesbians don’t tend to be deferential to men, tend to do more
to suit themselves (the comfortable shoes with the room for five toes in EACH
shoe), and not be as concerned about conforming to social “norms”.

There is also a closeted kind of language – the absence of using “he” or “she”
to describe people -a vagueness about who their friends or hang outs are.
Closeted language tends to be more noticed by omission. “I was seeing this
one person, and but we broke up.” or “My last relationship ended badly.” are
a good examples of closet-talk -no genderizing the person.

Straights say “The guy/girl I was seeing dumped me.” Straight people tend not to notice the lack of pronouns, and they just fill in the blank assuming your straight too.

A semi good way to find out a person is closted is to casually refer to gay news item -Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a good one.

That way, if the person you’re talking to is gay, they canpick up the thread and you sort of circle around each other’s opinions. A straight person probably wouldn’t know or care about the item, a gay person likely would know, or show interest in it.
3.) I fantasize about her all the time, can I make some kind of pass?

Well, you can technically you can make a pass at her, but the question is
should you make a pass.

And, as difficult as it is to hear, I wouldn’t. The woman is married, has kids
and a career -all of which would be put in a great deal of jeopardy by acting
on any attraction she may feel for you. And, while if she’s a lesbian, she may
have an “arragement” with her hubby (maybe he’s gay??) about extra marital
affairs, she’s not likely to risk her career.

4.) Are there lesbians that just get married? and have kids? is this common?

A lot of women get married, have kids and then come out as lesbians; not knowing they were lesbians to start. But some lesbians do marry a man (usually a gay man) for financially mutual arrangements, maybe kids. Lots of reasons – passports, social cover, etc. There’s no way to know how common because no one has ever really counted gays and lesbians, and the ones who would marry for cover wouldn’t likely answer the survey honestly.

Even if every second woman in the country was a “married to a man” dyke, it
doesn’t mean that your proffesser is.

5.) Should I try to fall out of love and how do you do that after a year and a
half? My heart still does flip flops when she enters a room.

Fall in love with someone more attainable. Throw yourself into your studies.
You didn’t say where you were going to school, but they likely have a gay and
lesbian student association. Join in -get active in your community and meet
other gals.

6) One more: I notice I purposely avoid talking to her, because its very hard to contain my love and feelings, could it be possible that she does the same? (my friend noticed that she gets flustered as well)

She may be getting flustered because she’s aware of your crush and doesn’t
know how to deal with it. If you can think of other reasons why a person may act a certain way, then it can be any one of them.

7) Even if nothing happens with her, is there a way to tell if she ever had any
feelings for me, by a question I can ask her or behavior?

I think that from your pre-question description that she does have feelings,
she clearly likes you as a person and that’s a lot more than some people
return emotionally. However, that is gonna be cold comfort if what you are
wanting is for her to have romantic feelings.

I have also asked a pal of mine who was in love with her student advisor in university for some more advise.  I came out because of my feelings for a teacher, who is straight. I never told her what I felt, and I never regretted it. I finished school, moved on and had other relationships. What I needed from that experience was the realization that I was and am a lesbian.

 

Bonus Advise:

Darling;

Your letter went straight -so to speak – to my heart.  Please know that you are not alone in this experience, nor is it a “bad” thing, even if you never so much as brush lips with the teacher of your dreams…

Desire, or infatuation is NEVER bad. Feelings are feelings, and not always so easy to talk yourself out of, nor are they in and of themselves wrong.

Actually, they can be useful! Feelings can be great indicators of deeper stuff that is going on with you. This does not mean that you are a 100% bona fide lesbian. You may not exactly be quite as straight as you thought, either.

But this woman doesn’t flutter your heart for no reason at all. If you want to delve deeper (after reminding yourself AGAIN that it’s totally ok to like, and even want her). Think about what it is she might have, or might represent. Guidance? Mentoring? Nurturing? Approval? And like that.

But you don’t have to get all introspective to survive this. You can deny your
feelings and delve into your studies (which rarely works), or take up soccer.
Or you can take a philosophical attitude – infatuation is like a cold – you can
make it worse, but you can’t make it better. Unless you feed into this thing
(by tormenting yourself with her presence, writing pages of lovelorn poetry
and letters asking her to run away to Mexico) it WILL run its course.

One thing you CAN do – for you and her -is be very aware and responsible for
your actions. Remember how I said that feelings are ok? Acting in a manner
that is hurtful or destructive (even if that’s the very last thing you WANT to
do)is Just Not Cool.

This means, like Nina said, anything that can jeopardize her job, her future..
and what ABOUT her marriage?

You don’t know if she’s a closet lesbian, discovering different feelings, or just
a warm and caring human being. But as long as she is in a committed
relationship, she is Off Limits. Any possible moment of pleasure could end up
hurting her, her kids, her husband AND you.

As to her motives and feelings, you just CAN’T know them. Unless you want
to take her out for coffee and ask point blank, you are spinning in circles
trying to figure them out, assign meanings and implications, and -let me be
blunt -feeding your own crush.

That all having been said, I know damn well that you may keep hanging
around, making excuses to be near her, and wondering what may come of it

and what it all means. HEY! You’ve fallen for someone! This is what humans
do! Sometimes it’s even enjoyable!

Someday you might fall for a woman, or man, that is available and therefore
less “safe” (than someone who is out of reach and easier to keep in the realm
of fantasy).

Until then, walk with honor. Feel good about her. Feel good about yourself.

Hugs,

Nightsinge

Q: Wrong or Crazy Part II

Q

First let me begin by saying that I appreciate your honesty and candor..both
good and bad points..you are very special indeed..and its almost Kismet that
I was “guided” towards you..

Yes, I am married, but my husband, for years has always told me to “go and
get a girlfriend”, but I truly feel its a male ego thing about “two women
getting it on”. If I were to have a relationship I would want it to be for me
and me alone..discreet..something for me to treasure..I know..too idealist
huh??? Am I living in dreamland to think I can live a duo life? I know people
who do and are very happy..

I will say that I did get a little scared about “witches and bitches”, but then
again when you put it in perspective, aren’t  men that way also??? “Same game, different actors”..Just know that your  previous relationships are no different than men/women one..

I am glad that you have found security and inner peace with your
life-partner, and I wish you happiness and joy and all that you could ever hope
for..

Thanks again for taking time out for a complete stranger..I truly appreciate
it..

A

When I originally posted the flirting 101 site, I hadn’t expected to get letters.
But I respect that it takes a big risk to reach out to someone, and that the issues we face as women, as lesbians, as bis, as whatever and where ever we are in our lives, deserves a respectful and honest answer.

Of course, I’ve had a few off colour e-mails, and they just get a “thank you
for the offer, but, as I said on the site, I am not available for personal
encounters.”

I know that some people come out thinking that the gay community is this all
embracing, friendly place, and it can be. But there are bad parts too, as you
need to go in with eyes and ears open. The ones to avoid make themselves
pretty obvious.

You husband is, at least on the surface, okay with your feelings. So, take that
as permission and go out there. And don’t tell him, don’t introduce him to the
new women in your life.

This is about your feelings, not his genetically programmed fantasy of
watching two girls perform for him.

Don’t hold yourself back with regrets of shoulda, woulda, coulda, you made
the best choices that you could at the time, in those moments. You don’t get
any do overs, just do next’s.

What’s important now, is how you go on with your life.

You just need to give yourself permission now.

Q: I am wrong or crazy?

Q

I am being honest..when I say that being with another woman is all I have
thought about for the past 25 years..maybe more..and yet I am married!!!!

Why??? I have a satisfying relationship with my husband and yet I feel I
have this need to have a secret life on the side with a woman..I think its
probably because of the nurturing that woman are capable of. The compassion
and passion that men cannot sustain..they want a quick lay and we want
meaning and commitment..conversation and a connection with someones else
soul..

I dont know..and I guess I dont know why I am writing you..but you seem to be
the expert. I am in CA , in the Valley. I look like any other mom out here
but chubbier..(what a bitch being chunky and in CA!!!), long blonde hair,
running all over the place.. but I want to know of a little coffee house or
somewhere where I can go and possibly meet someone..get to know someone…and
then?? And, if it doesnt work out..at least I would have made a friend..

Am I wrong or crazy..?? I crave to connect with someone..

If you are not too busy I truly would appreciate an educated response to my
dilemma.

Thanks..

A

You are not wrong or crazy. Perhaps you should start out with a new friend before jumping into an affair.

Without knowing much about your situation, what I suggest is join a coming
out group in your area, locate a lesbian bar or coffee shop or sports team or
activity – do anything to meet some lesbians. test the waters with friendship.

Just pick up any alternative newspaper to find them or join an on-line club, and ask if anyone on line is in your area and want to get together for coffee.

See how those friendships make you feel – are they giving you the nurturing
you crave? Or are the friendships making you crave more?

At some point, you’ll have to consider your husband. Generally, it’s better to
do this before you sleep with another woman:

1. How long have you been married?
2. How is he likely to react if you came out to him?
3. Would he say let’s open our relationship? Let’s take a break? Or walk out?
4. Would he be understanding or become violent?
5. Do you have elementary school aged children?

I ask this last one because custody laws tend not to favour the gay parent –
in Florida, a man who was convicted of murder won custody over the mom
who’d come out as a lesbian – and who had no criminal record. I don’t think that a lot has changed in the US since the mid-19990’s when that happened.

Are you prepared to loose him from your life? Or have his role in it changed?

Even on the lesbian side, I will say that having a husband is going to make it
hard for you.  I personally would never date a woman with a husband, but I would be
friends with her, and have been in the past.

I also don’t date lesbians in relationships either. I’ve also had to dump lesbians as
friends who’ve been envious of my relationship and decide that they want one just like it so they flirt with me and or my spouse as a short cut to getting it.

Lots of lesbians are phobic about bisexuals and “sexual tourists” while other
lesbians consider married women very attractive and challenging.

Lesbians are a diverse bunch.

I am concerned that you have idealized lesbian relationships. I know that
some women are nurturing and some are selfish. Some women are
downright bitches, willing to rip your heart out for the fun of it.

Just like men, women can be decent people or jerks to avoid.

That said, sometimes it may be better to be alone for a while – it’s difficult to be happy in a relationship when you’re not comfortable in your own skin.

You may be confusing other feelings with a romanticized attraction to women – so putting aside all the warm fuzzy feelings that any good relationship generates and think about a woman as a sexual partner.

Does the idea of touching another woman and being touched back make you feel like cuddling or does it make you a little bit wet?

Before you make any moves to the lesbian coffee shop, this is something you’re going to need to know.

 

Fun to watch, not so much to live

 

Kissing Jessica Stein was a funny movie – but it would be a devastating relationship to have in real life. Jessica is unhappy with the male options she’s been offered and becomes intrigued with the idea of being with a woman – but it’s for the wrong reasons. Once she’s in the relationship, she has a lot of difficulty with the sexual aspect and ultimately the relationship can’t last.

Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons for any relationship – gay or straight – to end.

But you don’t say anything about the sex with your husband – and you’ve focussed on the emotional aspects.

So, youre options are to talk to the hubby and see if you can’t find those feelings within the relationship – who knows, maybe he’s feeling the distancing too; and would like to change or end it.

Or find another straight gal pal and be each other’s nurturing and support.

Or – and I can’t stress this enough – if you want to open up your relationship and change the arrangement – you have to give you hubby time to know and decide what he wants to do with this information.

For an open relationship to work, it takes massive and honest communication between the participants – and with the way you’ve described your loneliness, that kind of communication isn’t present in your marital relationship.

My last point is this – whoever you are in a relationship with is your partner, not a sidekick or a prop or a plaything.

Any woman you may approach is worth more than being a bit on the side.

Any person you enter a relationship with should be there because of you wanting them, not wanting a relationship that you can interchange other people into the secondary role.

You are also worth a full time, equal starring role in the relationship.

Relationships are two (or more) people coming together for each other and the relationship happens. It’s the journey, not the destination.

 

I fancy a straight married woman

Q

We’ve spent weeks flirting with one another. She makes a point of coming to my
desk or touching me whenever we’re talking. She laughs at my jokes…and all I can
do is try to contain the pounding beat of my heart and not get too flustered.

My brain dries up to a prune and I (worst of all) start sweating. I know she’s straight
and married which means I can’t do anything about it, but the more she flirts with
me, the more I fancy her and the more flustered I get.

It’s got so I’m nervous of going into the office. I don’t think she notices that I’m nervous – I do a good cover up job with a sense of humour. It’s just beginning to wear me out. Trouble is, I’m not sure if I want her to stop, or encourage it to go one step further.

A

The straight and married isn’t necessarily the biggest problem – it’s the co-worker part.

PROBLEM ONE:

When any office romances go bad, it can be very bad.

Is she in a higher job position or are you? You must be aware of the
possibility of sexual harassment complaints. Does your company have a “no-frat”
policy? Would you be risking your job? Or hers?

How sure are you that she’s really flirting? Laughing at jokes and touching
your arm can just mean that she’s friendly and likes your sense of humour.

Does she know you’re a lesbian? Are you out at work? If you make a blatant
move on her, and she’s just being friendly, will she out you and are you going
to lose your job?

When was the last time you dated? Maybe what you need is a more
immediately attainable, less dangerous attraction. Then, you’ll be able to take
her flirting in stride.

She may not want to do more than what she is doing. She may be in the
coming out process herself, and not willing to do more than test the waters, with someone she thinks is safe. Or she may be oblivious to the effect she has on you.

A same sex office romance can go bad even worse than a het one, but it can be fun having sex in the bathroom and other places. Just decide if that forbidden thrill is worth the risk.

PROBLEM TWO

She’s married.

If you’re willing to be a discrete, short term, bit on the side, and you’re sure
the co-worker part isn’t going to explode in your face and destroy your
career, then, hey, you’re technically not the one cheating.

If you’re looking at her like she’s a possible Ms. Right, long term relationship.
Well, to be really blunt, she’s supposed to already be in one. With a man.

The trouble is: if she’s willing to cheat on him, what’s to stop her cheating on
you later? And maybe even….with another man….

Before you make any decisions, figure out what you want the end result to be
(say in five years – where are you and she working and who are the three of
you (you, her and her husband –are there children?) living with: her with
him or her with you or her and him & you and someone else?).

And then take the steps to make your longer term desired result happen.

Q: Married Mom seeks same

Q

I’m a wife and mother, and really attracted to the single mother of one of my son’s
friends. How do I approach her to see if she feels the same?

A

The first person you need to talk to is your current partner.

If you want to go outside of the relationship and explore your attraction to
another person, you have to give them the choice:

1. To stand by you and support your exploration
2. To make your relationship non-monogamous
3. To bail out.
Given that you’re in a het relationship and you have a kid, you may also want
to check out your state or province’s recent court rulings on custody and
access. Many US States will automatically give children to the heterosexual parent – even if that person is not the best parent – over the homosexual parent.

If THAT hasn’t cooled your ardour, I suggest that you engage her in a normal
conversation, and then introduce, very very neutrally, a news item about a
gay person or the gay community that was in the news recently. (There’s
always one.)

One you gage her reaction to a gay topic, you can slowly proceed, in fact, wait for  another conversation to reveal your attraction feelings.

Proceed slowly and give her and yourself a graceful out.

Best case, you connect, worse case…… take a leaf from the boy scouts and
just be prepared.