Flirting With Lesbians….and more

Archive for January, 2011

Q: Flirting with people on the job

Q

Flirting with a lesbian cop. Bad idea or good idea?

A

Bad idea if she’s writing you a ticket at the time.

Bad idea if it’s in front of a group of other people or her cop partner.
They tend to be closet-y.

Good idea in all other cases. Cops should have dates too.

Sex is a great way to relieve tension, and she’ll have costumes and props for most
fantasy scenes. Bonus.

It’s a touch call to flirt with someone when they are working generally because, if it’s a retail kinda job they are trapped into being nice to customers, and if they work in uniform, then they are trying to be all  authoritarian and official, and it’s hard to switch modes.

Not hard in the right context, though.

Just be careful how you pick your moment.

And don’t assume because she’s a cop she’s a dyke. Straight women actually become cops too.

But what a thin blue line to cross….

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Q: Newly Out and interested in older woman

Q

Look I really need any help and advice that anyone can give. I just recently had a
huge revelation with myself and figured it out that I was bi.. and now I am crushing
on a girl for the first time and I’m stuck on what I want to do.

I met this girl through work, and over the past year we’ve become good friends and
we make each other laugh and have good conversations with each other.. a couple
weeks ago she told me she was bi (She doesn’t know I am bi too, actually no one know’s yet I don’t think).

Anyways, we have never hung out outside of work and stuff, but she’s leaving in like 2 weeks and I cried for hours yesterday after she told me…I want to let her know that I’m interested in her before she goes and that I like her more than just a friend..

The thing is she’s 5 years older than me..and I don’t know myself whether she’s interested…since i’ve never done this before I’m totally confused, upset and excited all at once!

Kristy

A

Don’t worry about the age thing, 5 years is no biggie. (Unless you’re
underage that is.)

She’s leaving work or town?

Let me know which she is leaving, because if it’s town, it’s not really fair for
you to tell her, and leave both of you wondering what if…

Always try for local and available women to date. Especially a first
relationship. It’s hard enough without the whole long distance insecurity
baggage.

If she’s just leaving the job, and staying in town, tell her, say “Hey, we should
do something afer work to celebrate your new job/whatever she is leaving
for.” Make it just the two of you.

You’re lucky because she’s already told you she’s bi, so she won’t run
screaming from the room when you say the same thing back.

QII

She is staying the the same town, just moving on to a different job.
Oh yeah, I forgot to add to the other post, that I’m 17 and she’s 22..Thats
our age difference.

AII

Here’s the part that would be the same regardless of your age:

In my view, any teen-aged person who thinks that he or she is gay, has done
a lot more thinking about their sexuality than one who just assumes that they
are straight.

This “more thinking” means that you are likely better able to handle yourself
in a relationship with an older person than a straight teen with an older
person. You know a lot more about yourself, and in some ways aren’t as
vulnerable.

The fact that your intended isn’t really out of her own teens, being only
22/23, also makes the situation easier than if your intended was 15 or more years older.

Here’s the advise because you are 17/18:

You already know she’s bi, so you are pretty safe that when you tell her that
you are bi and maybe a lesbian, she isn’t going to freak. Likely, she told you
she was bi to see if you would take the bait – to test the waters.

You’ve already been flirty with each other, and that’s not really something
that straight women do. Not totally straight women anyway.

What I would do is this: invite her out after work, just the two of you to
celebrate her change of jobs. Stay away from alcohol, because, while it does
lower inhibitions, it also decreases your ability and your focus. And you’ll need
your wits about you.

Think about the scenario in which she came out to you, she may have been
testing the waters, trying to see if you felt the same.

I can’t tell you the number of times woman came out to me in University,
and I keep thinking, what an idiot I was to have missed all those really hot
babes. I came out after university, at 23. There was a reason they were
telling me they were dykes, they were hitting on me, I just didn’t get it.

If you feel really brave, just get her to go out for coffee and lay the cards on
the table.

“Look, , we’ve been really good friends at work, and now you’re leaving and
I’m gonna miss you here, but I don’t want to loose this friendship or what it
may become. I really like you, and I’d like to keep seeing you – I’m bi too.”
kind of a thing.

You are in a sort of win win situation. If you tell her, and she says, yes I like
you too, let’s go out, you are golden. If she says, thank you, but I don’t think
of you that way, you’ll be hurt, but you won’t have to face her at work and have that torture. (the getting hurt is the sort of win part).

basically, if you don’t tell her, you’ll regret it the rest of your life.

You can’t get the girl by keeping silent. And she’s worth the risk.

If she ends up saying no, then at least you tried and there are LOTS of other
girls.

If you are 15: then the advise is to date a girl your own age, at least until
you are of the legal age of consent where you live so as to not get your
beloved in jail. It makes anniversaries not so pleasant with a plexiglass
screen between you, and just think of what the photos would look like later.

Q: Wrong or Crazy Part II

Q

First let me begin by saying that I appreciate your honesty and candor..both
good and bad points..you are very special indeed..and its almost Kismet that
I was “guided” towards you..

Yes, I am married, but my husband, for years has always told me to “go and
get a girlfriend”, but I truly feel its a male ego thing about “two women
getting it on”. If I were to have a relationship I would want it to be for me
and me alone..discreet..something for me to treasure..I know..too idealist
huh??? Am I living in dreamland to think I can live a duo life? I know people
who do and are very happy..

I will say that I did get a little scared about “witches and bitches”, but then
again when you put it in perspective, aren’t  men that way also??? “Same game, different actors”..Just know that your  previous relationships are no different than men/women one..

I am glad that you have found security and inner peace with your
life-partner, and I wish you happiness and joy and all that you could ever hope
for..

Thanks again for taking time out for a complete stranger..I truly appreciate
it..

A

When I originally posted the flirting 101 site, I hadn’t expected to get letters.
But I respect that it takes a big risk to reach out to someone, and that the issues we face as women, as lesbians, as bis, as whatever and where ever we are in our lives, deserves a respectful and honest answer.

Of course, I’ve had a few off colour e-mails, and they just get a “thank you
for the offer, but, as I said on the site, I am not available for personal
encounters.”

I know that some people come out thinking that the gay community is this all
embracing, friendly place, and it can be. But there are bad parts too, as you
need to go in with eyes and ears open. The ones to avoid make themselves
pretty obvious.

You husband is, at least on the surface, okay with your feelings. So, take that
as permission and go out there. And don’t tell him, don’t introduce him to the
new women in your life.

This is about your feelings, not his genetically programmed fantasy of
watching two girls perform for him.

Don’t hold yourself back with regrets of shoulda, woulda, coulda, you made
the best choices that you could at the time, in those moments. You don’t get
any do overs, just do next’s.

What’s important now, is how you go on with your life.

You just need to give yourself permission now.

Setting the Mood

Okay, you got up the nerve and spoke to the babe, and now things are going well conversationally or on the dance floor; so you’re thinking:

“What am I doing? the sink’s full of dirty dishes, the laundry is everywhere and when did I last clean out the cat box?”

I’m not saying, be Martha Stewart, or that you have to be up on your housework all the time, but, if you are going out, and there’s a chance — even a slight chance— you might bring someone home, make sure your place is what you’d like to see if you were going to someone else’s home.

Dim the lights and play some soft tunes, keep some frozen finger foody things on hand—something quick and easy to warm up—stay away from sea foody things (lots of people have severe allergies to seafood, nuts, etc), easy and fuss free, but a bit higher end than pop tarts.

Try dim sum items,  filo pastry puffs with cheesey fillings, anything that will heat in about 15 mins and be fun to feed each other or at least, eat it a little seductively.

Aside: Vegetarian nibbles are probably safest, since even carnivores will eat the occasional vegetable and you don’t want your date to turn into a debate on the morals of eating animals, you can hash that out on your first anniversary dinner.

Getting her home doesn’t mean a sure thing, but it as least means she likes you and you’re in the ball park, so you can relax and let your personality shine.

Here’s something to keep in mind, she’s probably thinking the same thing about her place – so you lower her anxiety by taking her home to yours.

Of course, if you just can’t wait – bathrooms and the car in the parking lot work well for an initial compatibility test.

Then, when you do go back to one place or the other’s – neither one of you will be that concerned about decor and tidiness.

Q: I am wrong or crazy?

Q

I am being honest..when I say that being with another woman is all I have
thought about for the past 25 years..maybe more..and yet I am married!!!!

Why??? I have a satisfying relationship with my husband and yet I feel I
have this need to have a secret life on the side with a woman..I think its
probably because of the nurturing that woman are capable of. The compassion
and passion that men cannot sustain..they want a quick lay and we want
meaning and commitment..conversation and a connection with someones else
soul..

I dont know..and I guess I dont know why I am writing you..but you seem to be
the expert. I am in CA , in the Valley. I look like any other mom out here
but chubbier..(what a bitch being chunky and in CA!!!), long blonde hair,
running all over the place.. but I want to know of a little coffee house or
somewhere where I can go and possibly meet someone..get to know someone…and
then?? And, if it doesnt work out..at least I would have made a friend..

Am I wrong or crazy..?? I crave to connect with someone..

If you are not too busy I truly would appreciate an educated response to my
dilemma.

Thanks..

A

You are not wrong or crazy. Perhaps you should start out with a new friend before jumping into an affair.

Without knowing much about your situation, what I suggest is join a coming
out group in your area, locate a lesbian bar or coffee shop or sports team or
activity – do anything to meet some lesbians. test the waters with friendship.

Just pick up any alternative newspaper to find them or join an on-line club, and ask if anyone on line is in your area and want to get together for coffee.

See how those friendships make you feel – are they giving you the nurturing
you crave? Or are the friendships making you crave more?

At some point, you’ll have to consider your husband. Generally, it’s better to
do this before you sleep with another woman:

  1. How long have you been married?
  2. How is he likely to react if you came out to him?
  3. Would he say let’s open our relationship? Let’s take a break? Or walk out?
  4. Would he be understanding or become violent?
  5. Do you have elementary school aged children?

I ask this last one because custody laws tend not to favour the gay parent –
in Florida, a man who was convicted of murder won custody over the mom
who’d come out as a lesbian – and who had no criminal record. I don’t think that a lot has changed in the US since the mid-19990’s when that happened.

Are you prepared to loose him from your life? Or have his role in it changed?

Even on the lesbian side, I will say that having a husband is going to make it
hard for you.  I personally would never date a woman with a husband, but I would be
friends with her, and have been in the past.

I also don’t date lesbians in relationships either. I’ve also had to dump lesbians as
friends who’ve been envious of my relationship and decide that they want one just like it so they flirt with me and or my spouse as a short cut to getting it.

Lots of lesbians are phobic about bisexuals and “sexual tourists” while other
lesbians consider married women very attractive and challenging.

Lesbians are a diverse bunch.

I am concerned that you have idealized lesbian relationships. I know that
some women are nurturing and some are selfish. Some women are
downright bitches, willing to rip your heart out for the fun of it.

Just like men, women can be decent people or jerks to avoid.

That said, sometimes it may be better to be alone for a while – it’s difficult to be happy in a relationship when you’re not comfortable in your own skin.

You may be confusing other feelings with a romanticized attraction to women – so putting aside all the warm fuzzy feelings that any good relationship generates and think about a woman as a sexual partner.

Does the idea of touching another woman and being touched back make you feel like cuddling or does it make you a little bit wet?

Before you make any moves to the lesbian coffee shop, this is something you’re going to need to know.

 

Fun to watch, not so much to live

 

Kissing Jessica Stein was a funny movie – but it would be a devastating relationship to have in real life. Jessica is unhappy with the male options she’s been offered and becomes intrigued with the idea of being with a woman – but it’s for the wrong reasons. Once she’s in the relationship, she has a lot of difficulty with the sexual aspect and ultimately the relationship can’t last.

Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons for any relationship – gay or straight – to end.

But you don’t say anything about the sex with your husband – and you’ve focussed on the emotional aspects.

So, youre options are to talk to the hubby and see if you can’t find those feelings within the relationship – who knows, maybe he’s feeling the distancing too; and would like to change or end it.

Or find another straight gal pal and be each other’s nurturing and support.

Or – and I can’t stress this enough – if you want to open up your relationship and change the arrangement – you have to give you hubby time to know and decide what he wants to do with this information.

For an open relationship to work, it takes massive and honest communication between the participants – and with the way you’ve described your loneliness, that kind of communication isn’t present in your marital relationship.

My last point is this – whoever you are in a relationship with is your partner, not a sidekick or a prop or a plaything.

Any woman you may approach is worth more than being a bit on the side.

Any person you enter a relationship with should be there because of you wanting them, not wanting a relationship that you can interchange other people into the secondary role.

You are also worth a full time, equal starring role in the relationship.

Relationships are two (or more) people coming together for each other and the relationship happens. It’s the journey, not the destination.

 

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