While the gal writing in isn’t a lesbian or interested in another woman, the issue she raises is universal enough to include it:
In Love With a Married Man
I’m feeling very, very cheated by this guy who is married. I’ve fallen very deeply
with him and he promised that he will divorce his wife. But he hasn’t do so.
Actually last month, they nearly divorced cuz the wife created a scene in front of his colleagues. I was there and I witnessed everything. If I were him, I will give her a tight slap, cuz she was really too much! But he didn’t and remained very cool.
The next day the whole office was talking about it then. He felt very humiliated and
wanted to divorce her. However, the wife pleaded him to give her a second chance.
This issue brought the wife’s parents/brother into picture. They pleaded him to take
into consideration of their 2 kids.
In the end, he gave in and didn’t divorce his wife. I was very devastated! Prior to this argument they had, he and his wife have been quarrelling almost everyday. I don’t see there’s any other reason for them to be together. But he is hesitant cuz his 2nd child is only 4 months old! I was very, very sad when he told me that!
In the first place, he told me that he would divorce the wife immediately after she gave birth. But now, he gave me another story.
He asked me to give him some time to settle things with his wife. Cuz he
wants his wife to initiate the divorce out of incompatibility and not out of third party as he wants to avoid the maintenance fees after divorce.
He kept telling me that he doesn’t love the wife anymore. It is just responsibilities
that kept the marriage going. He treats me very well and always try to regain my
trust for him. And also, he told me that he did not make love with his wife from her
2nd pregnancy until now. We make love every week. I think it’s really impossible that he didn’t make love to his wife. Should I believe in him?
Pls advise me. Should I wait for him to divorce or shall I just call it off?
Appreciate your prompt reply. Thks!
Hi, well, first I’d like to repeat that I am not a counselor or professional
shrink. Just a web savvy dyke with an attitude.
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO BE SECOND STRING.
And so does his wife.
My basic philosophy is this: if the person you love is already in a relationship,
then find someone else to love.
Technically, my motto is: Never fall in love with someone in love with someone dead, straight or else.
Married people, no matter what they claim to feel about their spouse, fall into the “someone else” category. This guy you work with is already married, and has kids – one of whom is a baby.
What you need to look at is not how he is treating you right now, but how he
is treating his wife right now – cheating on her, slamming her to co-workers,
trying to force her into filing for divorce to avoid paying for support and
The reason you need to pay attention to his treatment of his present wife, is
because this will likely be you in three to five years.
As long as you and the wife are willing to put up with his half-time and half-assed
commitments, he will do whatever it takes to maintain the status quo.
In my view, you should dump him and move on to someone that is willing to
be yours full time, and so should his wife.
Just take a minute and look at this situation from her point of view, she
married this guy, had children with him, now he’s cheating on her, and you
may not be the first or the only one, and yet, she’s pretty desperate to hang
onto him – showing up at his workplace? That’s pretty dramatic.
It’s not that I think marriage is sacred or anything like that, relationships
change all the time, you fall out of love, meet someone else, but, if you are
any kind of person worth being with, you have the decency to end the
unsatisfying relationship before starting a new one.
You and his wife are the ones being hard done by in this, not him. He’s in the
catbird seat, calling all the shots and avoiding all the responsibility and decisions and basically avoiding being a grown up.
Is that really anyone you want to plan a future with?