Flirting With Lesbians….and more

Archive for November, 2010

Affairs Of the Heart

While the gal writing in isn’t a lesbian or interested in another woman, the issue she raises is universal enough to include it:

In Love With a Married Man

I’m feeling very, very cheated by this guy who is married. I’ve fallen very deeply
with him and he promised that he will divorce his wife. But he hasn’t do so.

Actually last month, they nearly divorced cuz the wife created a scene in front of his colleagues. I was there and I witnessed everything. If I were him, I will give her a tight slap, cuz she was really too much! But he didn’t and remained very cool.

The next day the whole office was talking about it then. He felt very humiliated and
wanted to divorce her. However, the wife pleaded him to give her a second chance.
This issue brought the wife’s parents/brother into picture. They pleaded him to take
into consideration of their 2 kids.

In the end, he gave in and didn’t divorce his wife. I was very devastated! Prior to this argument they had, he and his wife have been quarrelling almost everyday. I don’t see there’s any other reason for them to be together. But he is hesitant cuz his 2nd child is only  4 months old! I was very, very sad when he told me that!

In the first place, he told me that he would divorce the wife immediately after she gave birth. But now, he gave me another story.

He asked me to give him some time to settle things with his wife. Cuz he
wants his wife to initiate the divorce out of incompatibility and not out of third party as he wants to avoid the maintenance fees after divorce.

He kept telling me that he doesn’t love the wife anymore. It is just responsibilities
that kept the marriage going. He treats me very well and always try to regain my
trust for him. And also, he told me that he did not make love with his wife from her
2nd pregnancy until now. We make love every week. I think it’s really impossible that he didn’t make love to his wife. Should I believe in him?

Pls advise me. Should I wait for him to divorce or shall I just call it off?
Appreciate your prompt reply. Thks!

Response:

Hi, well, first I’d like to repeat that I am not a counselor or professional
shrink. Just a web savvy dyke with an attitude.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO BE SECOND STRING.

And so does his wife.

My basic philosophy is this: if the person you love is already in a relationship,
then find someone else to love.

Technically, my motto is: Never fall in love with someone in love with someone dead, straight or else.

Married people, no matter what they claim to feel about their spouse, fall into the “someone else” category. This guy you work with is already married, and has kids – one of whom is a baby.

What you need to look at is not how he is treating you right now, but how he
is treating his wife right now – cheating on her, slamming her to co-workers,
trying to force her into filing for divorce to avoid paying for support and
alimony.

The reason you need to pay attention to his treatment of his present wife, is
because this will likely be you in three to five years.

As long as you and the wife are willing to put up with his half-time and half-assed
commitments, he will do whatever it takes to maintain the status quo.

In my view, you should dump him and move on to someone that is willing to
be yours full time, and so should his wife.

Just take a minute and look at this situation from her point of view, she
married this guy, had children with him, now he’s cheating on her, and you
may not be the first or the only one, and yet, she’s pretty desperate to hang
onto him – showing up at his workplace? That’s pretty dramatic.

It’s not that I think marriage is sacred or anything like that, relationships
change all the time, you fall out of love, meet someone else, but, if you are
any kind of person worth being with, you have the decency to end the
unsatisfying relationship before starting a new one.

You and his wife are the ones being hard done by in this, not him. He’s in the
catbird seat, calling all the shots and avoiding all the responsibility and decisions and basically avoiding being a grown up.

Is that really anyone you want to plan a future with?

Tales From the Trenches!

A reader’s Sordid flirting tale:
I’ve always been one to flirt, and my lesbian friend does do…

Well, one evening, I started flirting with her, and she asked me to give her a back massage. I started massaging, and I had been leaning over her, when she said that I could sit on her but if it were more comfortable, so I did.

I knew her well, and I was getting in the mood, and I knew for sure when she asked me to sit on her front and rub her stomach…
I was so sure that she wanted to do something, so I bent down to kiss her, and for
the first time we frenched. We had a little sex, and then we laughed in the dark and I
liked the way she frenched, so I asked if I could kiss her again…

She said no… Damn…

The only thing I didn’t like about her was that she expected me to act like a guy, give my all, and ask for nothing in return… She wasn’t what I expected, so the next time she  asked me for some, I turned her down… (How does it feel?!)

To say the least, I haven’t been with her since.

Q: Married Mom seeks same

Q

I’m a wife and mother, and really attracted to the single mother of one of my son’s
friends. How do I approach her to see if she feels the same?

A

The first person you need to talk to is your current partner.

If you want to go outside of the relationship and explore your attraction to
another person, you have to give them the choice:

1. To stand by you and support your exploration
2. To make your relationship non-monogamous
3. To bail out.
Given that you’re in a het relationship and you have a kid, you may also want
to check out your state or province’s recent court rulings on custody and
access. Many US States will automatically give children to the heterosexual parent – even if that person is not the best parent – over the homosexual parent.

If THAT hasn’t cooled your ardour, I suggest that you engage her in a normal
conversation, and then introduce, very very neutrally, a news item about a
gay person or the gay community that was in the news recently. (There’s
always one.)

One you gage her reaction to a gay topic, you can slowly proceed, in fact, wait for  another conversation to reveal your attraction feelings.

Proceed slowly and give her and yourself a graceful out.

Best case, you connect, worse case…… take a leaf from the boy scouts and
just be prepared.

Q: How Do I Become a Lesbian?

Q:
Age 42 and tired of dead end relationships with men. Decided 6 months ago to
become a Lesbian Now just trying to find a nice woman for my first experience. How do I flirt?

A:
The first issue I see isn’t how to flirt.

No one is going to respond to any sort of flirting, no matter how seductive, funny or clever, if they think that they are the fall back choice. Or, as I prefer in horse track parlance – an “also ran”.
Women are lesbians because they identify emotionally and sexually with
women. It’s not an anti-man choice, it’s a pro-woman choice.

1. Are you actually sexually attracted to women and just never acted on it?
or
2. Are you just not going for the kind of guy who can give you what you want,
and giving up and going for women?

A lot of people make the mistake of deciding all the details of their future
relationship and then try to find someone to plug into that.

The person you date, regardless of gender, is going to have their own
relationship ideas. You can’t just make up a relationship by yourself and
expect someone else to just play along.

If you decide that you want to be with a woman because you like women and
not because you’re tired / bored / sick of men, then I suggest avoiding the
bars and finding a lesbian community centre, an organization or club, a local
queer newspaper or sports team and join it.

Make sure it’s a hobby or club of an interest you actually like.

Flirting Essentials

Proximity

Get close, across the room is fun, but she may be looking at someone else. Be sure, and get close.

Letting someone into your personal space indicates some interest. Get close and back off a bit, get in close again. While you don’t want to give the impression you’re a boxer, you mostly want to avoid the look of a needy stalker.

Of course, noisy bars provide the best cover for getting close, what was that you said? The music’s so darned loud!!!

Eye Contact

Many animals stare down their prey, so glance around while you converse (but don’t look like you checking out other potential targets) — but when you deliver your key offer, have total eye lock.

Vocal Inflection

Try a slow, low and intimate tone for your most seductive suggestions, varied with your normal voice for normal conversation or set up lines.

Speaking slightly higher than your normal register could be interpreted as nervousness or arousal, so practice with a variety of tonal ranges. It’s okay to be nervous, who wouldn’t be in the same situation?

It gets back to the vulnerability thang being very attractive. After all, aren’t you so brave for making the first move that your intended was too nervous to do?

Hint, imply, tease, titillate, intimate, flirting is verbal foreplay, with the emphasis on PLAY.

Keep it light, witty and coming.

Be Sincere

The woman you are flirting with has feelings, dreams and goals, a job, friends and family, and an existence prior to and after you, and her own flirting agenda. Respect that always.

Always leave room for a mutually graceful exit.

Flirting Do Nots

It’s very possible that being awkward at flirting is sometimes charming, more often than not, it won’t be.

Awkward is very different from the “Aw Shucks” approach – the best example is early Matthew McConaughey movies.  Personally, I find the aw shucks approach distasteful with very insincere undertones. I think that’s because it feels like the sale technique of bait and switch.

While the lesson is that there is no style or line that will work on all people in all situations, there are several behaviours that are more likely deal breakers no matter what style of flirting you develop:

  • Flirting is not a one-shot deal. Try, try again! Flirting is not a “Do or Die” scenario, but measured in degrees of success. Maybe you got turned down, but got so far as to buy the drink. Maybe you got a dance with the girl…But maybe pick someone else to flirt with. It’s not the case that if at first you don’t succeed that you’re done for the night. You are really just warming up.
  • Talking too much is a sure sign that you aren’t listening. Being listened to, really paid attention to listening – not the so called “active listening” *  – is a very attractive quality, because really, we are all out there trying to meet someone that we can really connect to. Being listened to is the measurement of connections.
  • Don’t follow people around or act needy. No one likes a stalker. Well, for any length of time, anyway. It’s not what anyone would consider a long term attractive quality form much more than Ms Right Now.
  • Don’t be insincere.In many of life’s arenas, you must be able to fake sincerity. Certainly being sincere is optimal and faking sincerity in non-flirting situations may be good enough, but not so much in dating and mating. Just be honest in what your interest level is. Don’t pretend you’re looking for That Special One to enjoy movies and walks on the beach with, if you’re not. Be clear to yourself what you’re looking for in terms of person and whether it’s one night or are you open to something more substantial or longer?
  • Your job, car, how many other women you’ve slept with or your inflated ego is not an aphrodisiac. Showing more interest in HER achievements than your own is a turn-on that is closely related to listening. It’s important enough to mention twice.
  • Nothing terminates encounters faster than a Terminator approach. Give others time to get to know you are a person not a “Come on Machine”. How attractive is “Ba-da bing Ba-da boom” to you?
  • In the event that you get turned down, exit gracefully. There is no need to be nasty, even if your intended is less than kind in turning your generous offer of your fine self, don’t sink to a childish level.
    • A bow, a wave, a kiss on the hand, paying for a drink as an exit, might make her change her mind, or at least grow up a bit and treat the next unfortunate dyke to flirt with her better. Or maybe you will intrigue one of her pals.
  • Everyone’s entitled to a bad day or off night, don’t make it worse, and don’t dwell on it either, sometimes it’s really not about you. Maybe you look or act like an ex of her’s – while maybe not insurmountable to a relationship, it does make getting one started harder. Probably better to try with someone who doesn’t have baggage with/about someone else that you’re going to have to carry.

Remember, you might end up dating a friend of hers, and then she’ll really regret having passed you up.

 

* Active Listening – is the act of focusing so much on the act of listening (nodding, encouraging yeah, uhhuhs and re-stating what they have said) that you’re not actually listening.

Flirting Do’s

Flirt with no expectation of reward

Flirt just for fun, not to keep score or with a win/lose mentality.

Worst case, you hone some skills, practice new material – and if you are really doing it for fun – you get 15%* more attractive to the person you’re flirting with!

Ask specific, but open-ended questions

This demonstrates that you’re interested specifically in HER as a person,  and don’t watch her mouth move so you know when it’s your turn to talk.

Asking yes or no questions does not show interest or much humour or cleverness. Plus, it doesn’t get the girl talking; which you need to do to create an opportunity for the discussion to take a natural amorous turn.

“What do you think about  (some news story fraught with tension)…?” followed by  “Tell me your favorite way to relax.”

Look for humor in what she is saying, and laugh at her jokes if you find them funny. If you can’t make each other laugh – thank her for the conversation and move on.

Well, unless you’re just looking for Ms. Right Now – after all, the only thing standing between you and dates is fussy standards.

Be generous with sincere compliments.

Smile, smile, smile! Be friendly.

Being playful yet persistent, but back away gracefully if you keep getting rebuffed.

Show that you’re a vulnerable, real person, and not a “come on” machine.

Learn to dance. And like it.

Your body is speaking even when you are not. Be aware of what message you’re sending with your stances, your hands your facial expression and vocal tone.

Touch is a powerful communicator. Use touch sparingly and meaningfully  – to non-erogenous zones – and tons of eye contact. Remember, touch should be balanced between being invitational and being a bit daring.

But not stalker creepy.

Anyplace can be a meeting place.

Make where you are work for you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing – there’s bound to be a gal with a common interest and that is a great conversation opener.

It’s especially important in Net Flirting (or Personal Ads or phone conversations) to use your vocabulary effectively. Remember that 90% of what people think about you comes from your appearance, but without that opportunity, the command of language is crucial.

Take the initiative: other women are shy too!

 

* Statistics are not verified scientifically and are wholly imaginary – but don’t let that stop you.

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