I am being honest..when I say that being with another woman is all I have
thought about for the past 25 years..maybe more..and yet I am married!!!!
Why??? I have a satisfying relationship with my husband and yet I feel I
have this need to have a secret life on the side with a woman..I think its
probably because of the nurturing that woman are capable of. The compassion
and passion that men cannot sustain..they want a quick lay and we want
meaning and commitment..conversation and a connection with someones else
I dont know..and I guess I dont know why I am writing you..but you seem to be
the expert. I am in CA , in the Valley. I look like any other mom out here
but chubbier..(what a bitch being chunky and in CA!!!), long blonde hair,
running all over the place.. but I want to know of a little coffee house or
somewhere where I can go and possibly meet someone..get to know someone…and
then?? And, if it doesnt work out..at least I would have made a friend..
Am I wrong or crazy..?? I crave to connect with someone..
If you are not too busy I truly would appreciate an educated response to my
You are not wrong or crazy. Perhaps you should start out with a new friend before jumping into an affair.
Without knowing much about your situation, what I suggest is join a coming
out group in your area, locate a lesbian bar or coffee shop or sports team or
activity – do anything to meet some lesbians. test the waters with friendship.
Just pick up any alternative newspaper to find them or join an on-line club, and ask if anyone on line is in your area and want to get together for coffee.
See how those friendships make you feel – are they giving you the nurturing
you crave? Or are the friendships making you crave more?
At some point, you’ll have to consider your husband. Generally, it’s better to
do this before you sleep with another woman:
- How long have you been married?
- How is he likely to react if you came out to him?
- Would he say let’s open our relationship? Let’s take a break? Or walk out?
- Would he be understanding or become violent?
- Do you have elementary school aged children?
I ask this last one because custody laws tend not to favour the gay parent –
in Florida, a man who was convicted of murder won custody over the mom
who’d come out as a lesbian – and who had no criminal record. I don’t think that a lot has changed in the US since the mid-19990’s when that happened.
Are you prepared to loose him from your life? Or have his role in it changed?
Even on the lesbian side, I will say that having a husband is going to make it
hard for you. I personally would never date a woman with a husband, but I would be
friends with her, and have been in the past.
I also don’t date lesbians in relationships either. I’ve also had to dump lesbians as
friends who’ve been envious of my relationship and decide that they want one just like it so they flirt with me and or my spouse as a short cut to getting it.
Lots of lesbians are phobic about bisexuals and “sexual tourists” while other
lesbians consider married women very attractive and challenging.
Lesbians are a diverse bunch.
I am concerned that you have idealized lesbian relationships. I know that
some women are nurturing and some are selfish. Some women are
downright bitches, willing to rip your heart out for the fun of it.
Just like men, women can be decent people or jerks to avoid.
That said, sometimes it may be better to be alone for a while – it’s difficult to be happy in a relationship when you’re not comfortable in your own skin.
You may be confusing other feelings with a romanticized attraction to women – so putting aside all the warm fuzzy feelings that any good relationship generates and think about a woman as a sexual partner.
Does the idea of touching another woman and being touched back make you feel like cuddling or does it make you a little bit wet?
Before you make any moves to the lesbian coffee shop, this is something you’re going to need to know.
Kissing Jessica Stein was a funny movie – but it would be a devastating relationship to have in real life. Jessica is unhappy with the male options she’s been offered and becomes intrigued with the idea of being with a woman – but it’s for the wrong reasons. Once she’s in the relationship, she has a lot of difficulty with the sexual aspect and ultimately the relationship can’t last.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons for any relationship – gay or straight – to end.
But you don’t say anything about the sex with your husband – and you’ve focussed on the emotional aspects.
So, youre options are to talk to the hubby and see if you can’t find those feelings within the relationship – who knows, maybe he’s feeling the distancing too; and would like to change or end it.
Or find another straight gal pal and be each other’s nurturing and support.
Or – and I can’t stress this enough – if you want to open up your relationship and change the arrangement – you have to give you hubby time to know and decide what he wants to do with this information.
For an open relationship to work, it takes massive and honest communication between the participants – and with the way you’ve described your loneliness, that kind of communication isn’t present in your marital relationship.
My last point is this – whoever you are in a relationship with is your partner, not a sidekick or a prop or a plaything.
Any woman you may approach is worth more than being a bit on the side.
Any person you enter a relationship with should be there because of you wanting them, not wanting a relationship that you can interchange other people into the secondary role.
You are also worth a full time, equal starring role in the relationship.
Relationships are two (or more) people coming together for each other and the relationship happens. It’s the journey, not the destination.