Posts tagged ‘other woman’
I am being honest..when I say that being with another woman is all I have
thought about for the past 25 years..maybe more..and yet I am married!!!!
Why??? I have a satisfying relationship with my husband and yet I feel I
have this need to have a secret life on the side with a woman..I think its
probably because of the nurturing that woman are capable of. The compassion
and passion that men cannot sustain..they want a quick lay and we want
meaning and commitment..conversation and a connection with someones else
I dont know..and I guess I dont know why I am writing you..but you seem to be
the expert. I am in CA , in the Valley. I look like any other mom out here
but chubbier..(what a bitch being chunky and in CA!!!), long blonde hair,
running all over the place.. but I want to know of a little coffee house or
somewhere where I can go and possibly meet someone..get to know someone…and
then?? And, if it doesnt work out..at least I would have made a friend..
Am I wrong or crazy..?? I crave to connect with someone..
If you are not too busy I truly would appreciate an educated response to my
You are not wrong or crazy. Perhaps you should start out with a new friend before jumping into an affair.
Without knowing much about your situation, what I suggest is join a coming
out group in your area, locate a lesbian bar or coffee shop or sports team or
activity – do anything to meet some lesbians. test the waters with friendship.
Just pick up any alternative newspaper to find them or join an on-line club, and ask if anyone on line is in your area and want to get together for coffee.
See how those friendships make you feel – are they giving you the nurturing
you crave? Or are the friendships making you crave more?
At some point, you’ll have to consider your husband. Generally, it’s better to
do this before you sleep with another woman:
- How long have you been married?
- How is he likely to react if you came out to him?
- Would he say let’s open our relationship? Let’s take a break? Or walk out?
- Would he be understanding or become violent?
- Do you have elementary school aged children?
I ask this last one because custody laws tend not to favour the gay parent –
in Florida, a man who was convicted of murder won custody over the mom
who’d come out as a lesbian – and who had no criminal record. I don’t think that a lot has changed in the US since the mid-19990’s when that happened.
Are you prepared to loose him from your life? Or have his role in it changed?
Even on the lesbian side, I will say that having a husband is going to make it
hard for you. I personally would never date a woman with a husband, but I would be
friends with her, and have been in the past.
I also don’t date lesbians in relationships either. I’ve also had to dump lesbians as
friends who’ve been envious of my relationship and decide that they want one just like it so they flirt with me and or my spouse as a short cut to getting it.
Lots of lesbians are phobic about bisexuals and “sexual tourists” while other
lesbians consider married women very attractive and challenging.
Lesbians are a diverse bunch.
I am concerned that you have idealized lesbian relationships. I know that
some women are nurturing and some are selfish. Some women are
downright bitches, willing to rip your heart out for the fun of it.
Just like men, women can be decent people or jerks to avoid.
That said, sometimes it may be better to be alone for a while – it’s difficult to be happy in a relationship when you’re not comfortable in your own skin.
You may be confusing other feelings with a romanticized attraction to women – so putting aside all the warm fuzzy feelings that any good relationship generates and think about a woman as a sexual partner.
Does the idea of touching another woman and being touched back make you feel like cuddling or does it make you a little bit wet?
Before you make any moves to the lesbian coffee shop, this is something you’re going to need to know.
Kissing Jessica Stein was a funny movie – but it would be a devastating relationship to have in real life. Jessica is unhappy with the male options she’s been offered and becomes intrigued with the idea of being with a woman – but it’s for the wrong reasons. Once she’s in the relationship, she has a lot of difficulty with the sexual aspect and ultimately the relationship can’t last.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons for any relationship – gay or straight – to end.
But you don’t say anything about the sex with your husband – and you’ve focussed on the emotional aspects.
So, youre options are to talk to the hubby and see if you can’t find those feelings within the relationship – who knows, maybe he’s feeling the distancing too; and would like to change or end it.
Or find another straight gal pal and be each other’s nurturing and support.
Or – and I can’t stress this enough – if you want to open up your relationship and change the arrangement – you have to give you hubby time to know and decide what he wants to do with this information.
For an open relationship to work, it takes massive and honest communication between the participants – and with the way you’ve described your loneliness, that kind of communication isn’t present in your marital relationship.
My last point is this – whoever you are in a relationship with is your partner, not a sidekick or a prop or a plaything.
Any woman you may approach is worth more than being a bit on the side.
Any person you enter a relationship with should be there because of you wanting them, not wanting a relationship that you can interchange other people into the secondary role.
You are also worth a full time, equal starring role in the relationship.
Relationships are two (or more) people coming together for each other and the relationship happens. It’s the journey, not the destination.
We’ve spent weeks flirting with one another. She makes a point of coming to my
desk or touching me whenever we’re talking. She laughs at my jokes…and all I can
do is try to contain the pounding beat of my heart and not get too flustered.
My brain dries up to a prune and I (worst of all) start sweating. I know she’s straight
and married which means I can’t do anything about it, but the more she flirts with
me, the more I fancy her and the more flustered I get.
It’s got so I’m nervous of going into the office. I don’t think she notices that I’m nervous – I do a good cover up job with a sense of humour. It’s just beginning to wear me out. Trouble is, I’m not sure if I want her to stop, or encourage it to go one step further.
The straight and married isn’t necessarily the biggest problem – it’s the co-worker part.
When any office romances go bad, it can be very bad.
Is she in a higher job position or are you? You must be aware of the
possibility of sexual harassment complaints. Does your company have a “no-frat”
policy? Would you be risking your job? Or hers?
How sure are you that she’s really flirting? Laughing at jokes and touching
your arm can just mean that she’s friendly and likes your sense of humour.
Does she know you’re a lesbian? Are you out at work? If you make a blatant
move on her, and she’s just being friendly, will she out you and are you going
to lose your job?
When was the last time you dated? Maybe what you need is a more
immediately attainable, less dangerous attraction. Then, you’ll be able to take
her flirting in stride.
She may not want to do more than what she is doing. She may be in the
coming out process herself, and not willing to do more than test the waters, with someone she thinks is safe. Or she may be oblivious to the effect she has on you.
A same sex office romance can go bad even worse than a het one, but it can be fun having sex in the bathroom and other places. Just decide if that forbidden thrill is worth the risk.
If you’re willing to be a discrete, short term, bit on the side, and you’re sure
the co-worker part isn’t going to explode in your face and destroy your
career, then, hey, you’re technically not the one cheating.
If you’re looking at her like she’s a possible Ms. Right, long term relationship.
Well, to be really blunt, she’s supposed to already be in one. With a man.
The trouble is: if she’s willing to cheat on him, what’s to stop her cheating on
you later? And maybe even….with another man….
Before you make any decisions, figure out what you want the end result to be
(say in five years – where are you and she working and who are the three of
you (you, her and her husband –are there children?) living with: her with
him or her with you or her and him & you and someone else?).
And then take the steps to make your longer term desired result happen.
While the gal writing in isn’t a lesbian or interested in another woman, the issue she raises is universal enough to include it:
In Love With a Married Man
I’m feeling very, very cheated by this guy who is married. I’ve fallen very deeply
with him and he promised that he will divorce his wife. But he hasn’t do so.
Actually last month, they nearly divorced cuz the wife created a scene in front of his colleagues. I was there and I witnessed everything. If I were him, I will give her a tight slap, cuz she was really too much! But he didn’t and remained very cool.
The next day the whole office was talking about it then. He felt very humiliated and
wanted to divorce her. However, the wife pleaded him to give her a second chance.
This issue brought the wife’s parents/brother into picture. They pleaded him to take
into consideration of their 2 kids.
In the end, he gave in and didn’t divorce his wife. I was very devastated! Prior to this argument they had, he and his wife have been quarrelling almost everyday. I don’t see there’s any other reason for them to be together. But he is hesitant cuz his 2nd child is only 4 months old! I was very, very sad when he told me that!
In the first place, he told me that he would divorce the wife immediately after she gave birth. But now, he gave me another story.
He asked me to give him some time to settle things with his wife. Cuz he
wants his wife to initiate the divorce out of incompatibility and not out of third party as he wants to avoid the maintenance fees after divorce.
He kept telling me that he doesn’t love the wife anymore. It is just responsibilities
that kept the marriage going. He treats me very well and always try to regain my
trust for him. And also, he told me that he did not make love with his wife from her
2nd pregnancy until now. We make love every week. I think it’s really impossible that he didn’t make love to his wife. Should I believe in him?
Pls advise me. Should I wait for him to divorce or shall I just call it off?
Appreciate your prompt reply. Thks!
Hi, well, first I’d like to repeat that I am not a counselor or professional
shrink. Just a web savvy dyke with an attitude.
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO BE SECOND STRING.
And so does his wife.
My basic philosophy is this: if the person you love is already in a relationship,
then find someone else to love.
Technically, my motto is: Never fall in love with someone in love with someone dead, straight or else.
Married people, no matter what they claim to feel about their spouse, fall into the “someone else” category. This guy you work with is already married, and has kids – one of whom is a baby.
What you need to look at is not how he is treating you right now, but how he
is treating his wife right now – cheating on her, slamming her to co-workers,
trying to force her into filing for divorce to avoid paying for support and
The reason you need to pay attention to his treatment of his present wife, is
because this will likely be you in three to five years.
As long as you and the wife are willing to put up with his half-time and half-assed
commitments, he will do whatever it takes to maintain the status quo.
In my view, you should dump him and move on to someone that is willing to
be yours full time, and so should his wife.
Just take a minute and look at this situation from her point of view, she
married this guy, had children with him, now he’s cheating on her, and you
may not be the first or the only one, and yet, she’s pretty desperate to hang
onto him – showing up at his workplace? That’s pretty dramatic.
It’s not that I think marriage is sacred or anything like that, relationships
change all the time, you fall out of love, meet someone else, but, if you are
any kind of person worth being with, you have the decency to end the
unsatisfying relationship before starting a new one.
You and his wife are the ones being hard done by in this, not him. He’s in the
catbird seat, calling all the shots and avoiding all the responsibility and decisions and basically avoiding being a grown up.
Is that really anyone you want to plan a future with?