Flirting With Lesbians….and more

Archive for February, 2011

How Can We Find Each Other?

Q

I’m wondering if there are signs which allow lesbians to recognize each other, such
as wearing something special?

A

Sure, wear a black triangle, wear a rainbow pin, a labyrus (a two headed axe)
or a lamba (greek letter.)

These are all gay symbols, and one of the best ways to identify yourself to
other lesbians.

There’s many websites just a search engine away about various gay symbols and how they came to be associated with gays & lesbians.

Many symbols come from imagery taken from Sappho’s poems and the works of Virgina Woolf and Oscar Wilde.

What all the symbols boil down to is a covert way to identify ourselves to
each other of us in the know.

For example, for a while, because of Oscar Wilde’s story “The Importance of
Being Earnest”, green ties became a code for anyone who was a Friend of Dorothy.

Wearing symbols or working in knowledge of them in a conversation is pretty
much a way to identify yourself to other you think may be gay without putting
yourselves to any non-gay folks around you.

A word of caution though, lots of straight people are familiar with gay
symbols, and sometimes, this can be funny or unfortunate.

I was in charge of hiring a staff person, her resume looked good, she seemed
nice. I said, “About your earring..” (Which was a nice amethyst point (purple).
She cut me off and explained about a female exchange student who stayed with her family one summer, and they bought the earring and each of them had one of them.

It seemed like a very sweet and, from the way she said it, a gay thing. I
casually said that purple was my favorite colour, and she said it was hers too,
but she wasn’t sure why so many women liked purple.  It seemed to me that
we were deep in the closet language.

I said, the purple comes from, as far as I know, that Virginia Woolf wrote the
first drafts of all her novels in purple. “That’s where it came from” she said, “I
always wondered.”

I hired her, partly because I was sure that she was gay, and partly because her
references were so good.

As it turns out, she had stumbled her way into and through a gay code conversation
and turned out to be a rather homophobic straight chick.

It was kinda funny in hindsight.

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Hot for Teacher

Q

Hi, I’m twenty four yr old and am in love with my college professor. I am
heterosexual and have never been in love with a woman before although I do
feel attraction for certain women. My college professor is married with two
grown children my age.

I know it is not right to dream about someone who is married, and its not like I want her to cheat on her husband. Let me tell you how she acts towards me.

When I was a junior last year, I would always catch her staring at me, when I did she would quickly look away, when I talk to her even a hi or how are you, she gets very flustered and of course so do I.

She always looks out for me, and sees how I’m doing even though she is not my teacher this year. She writes me notes, but only when I write them to her. During summer semester, she watched as me and my best friend had a fight and insisted I stayed with her at school until I felt better, she knew something was wrong, and had me laughing in no time.

She has always tried to be the one grading me, or by my side when I do work so she can calm me down and get me focused. This year I have a new teacher, and I notice her (my old teacher) still watching me every now and then, when I walk by her.

I’ve tossed out a few comments before . Example: I was in her office but had to go
to another class, and said “ahh, I don’t want to go to class I would rather stay here” and she would say”I know, but you should go.”

Another classmate of mine who isn’t friends with me has said that she thinks our teacher is a lesbian even though she’s married and forty-four years old. My questions:
1.) Is there a possibility she’s a lesbian?
2.) are there clues in a person’s behavior?
3.) I fantasize about her all the time, can I make some kind of pass?
4.) Are there lesbians that just get married? and have kids? is this common?
5.) Should I try to fall out of love and how do you do that after a year and
a half?

My heart still does flip flops when she enters a room.

6) One more: I notice I purposely avoid talking to her, because its very
hard to contain my love and feelings, could it be possible that she does the
same? (my friend noticed that she gets flustered as well)

7) Even if nothing happens with her, is there a way to tell if she ever had
any feelings for me, by a question I can ask her or behavior?

A

1.) Is there a possibility she’s a lesbian?
Yes, there is always the possibility.

2.) are there clues in a person’s behavior?
Sometimes, if you know what to look for and it’s usually in the eyes and the walk.It’s hard to describe, and to be truthful, my gaydar isn’t always 100%.
As a generality, lesbians don’t tend to be deferential to men, tend to do more
to suit themselves (the comfortable shoes with the room for five toes in EACH
shoe), and not be as concerned about conforming to social “norms”.

There is also a closeted kind of language – the absence of using “he” or “she”
to describe people -a vagueness about who their friends or hang outs are.
Closeted language tends to be more noticed by omission. “I was seeing this
one person, and but we broke up.” or “My last relationship ended badly.” are
a good examples of closet-talk -no genderizing the person.

Straights say “The guy/girl I was seeing dumped me.” Straight people tend not to notice the lack of pronouns, and they just fill in the blank assuming your straight too.

A semi good way to find out a person is closted is to casually refer to gay news item -Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a good one.

That way, if the person you’re talking to is gay, they canpick up the thread and you sort of circle around each other’s opinions. A straight person probably wouldn’t know or care about the item, a gay person likely would know, or show interest in it.
3.) I fantasize about her all the time, can I make some kind of pass?

Well, you can technically you can make a pass at her, but the question is
should you make a pass.

And, as difficult as it is to hear, I wouldn’t. The woman is married, has kids
and a career -all of which would be put in a great deal of jeopardy by acting
on any attraction she may feel for you. And, while if she’s a lesbian, she may
have an “arragement” with her hubby (maybe he’s gay??) about extra marital
affairs, she’s not likely to risk her career.

4.) Are there lesbians that just get married? and have kids? is this common?

A lot of women get married, have kids and then come out as lesbians; not knowing they were lesbians to start. But some lesbians do marry a man (usually a gay man) for financially mutual arrangements, maybe kids. Lots of reasons – passports, social cover, etc. There’s no way to know how common because no one has ever really counted gays and lesbians, and the ones who would marry for cover wouldn’t likely answer the survey honestly.

Even if every second woman in the country was a “married to a man” dyke, it
doesn’t mean that your proffesser is.

5.) Should I try to fall out of love and how do you do that after a year and a
half? My heart still does flip flops when she enters a room.

Fall in love with someone more attainable. Throw yourself into your studies.
You didn’t say where you were going to school, but they likely have a gay and
lesbian student association. Join in -get active in your community and meet
other gals.

6) One more: I notice I purposely avoid talking to her, because its very hard to contain my love and feelings, could it be possible that she does the same? (my friend noticed that she gets flustered as well)

She may be getting flustered because she’s aware of your crush and doesn’t
know how to deal with it. If you can think of other reasons why a person may act a certain way, then it can be any one of them.

7) Even if nothing happens with her, is there a way to tell if she ever had any
feelings for me, by a question I can ask her or behavior?

I think that from your pre-question description that she does have feelings,
she clearly likes you as a person and that’s a lot more than some people
return emotionally. However, that is gonna be cold comfort if what you are
wanting is for her to have romantic feelings.

I have also asked a pal of mine who was in love with her student advisor in university for some more advise.  I came out because of my feelings for a teacher, who is straight. I never told her what I felt, and I never regretted it. I finished school, moved on and had other relationships. What I needed from that experience was the realization that I was and am a lesbian.

 

Bonus Advise:

Darling;

Your letter went straight -so to speak – to my heart.  Please know that you are not alone in this experience, nor is it a “bad” thing, even if you never so much as brush lips with the teacher of your dreams…

Desire, or infatuation is NEVER bad. Feelings are feelings, and not always so easy to talk yourself out of, nor are they in and of themselves wrong.

Actually, they can be useful! Feelings can be great indicators of deeper stuff that is going on with you. This does not mean that you are a 100% bona fide lesbian. You may not exactly be quite as straight as you thought, either.

But this woman doesn’t flutter your heart for no reason at all. If you want to delve deeper (after reminding yourself AGAIN that it’s totally ok to like, and even want her). Think about what it is she might have, or might represent. Guidance? Mentoring? Nurturing? Approval? And like that.

But you don’t have to get all introspective to survive this. You can deny your
feelings and delve into your studies (which rarely works), or take up soccer.
Or you can take a philosophical attitude – infatuation is like a cold – you can
make it worse, but you can’t make it better. Unless you feed into this thing
(by tormenting yourself with her presence, writing pages of lovelorn poetry
and letters asking her to run away to Mexico) it WILL run its course.

One thing you CAN do – for you and her -is be very aware and responsible for
your actions. Remember how I said that feelings are ok? Acting in a manner
that is hurtful or destructive (even if that’s the very last thing you WANT to
do)is Just Not Cool.

This means, like Nina said, anything that can jeopardize her job, her future..
and what ABOUT her marriage?

You don’t know if she’s a closet lesbian, discovering different feelings, or just
a warm and caring human being. But as long as she is in a committed
relationship, she is Off Limits. Any possible moment of pleasure could end up
hurting her, her kids, her husband AND you.

As to her motives and feelings, you just CAN’T know them. Unless you want
to take her out for coffee and ask point blank, you are spinning in circles
trying to figure them out, assign meanings and implications, and -let me be
blunt -feeding your own crush.

That all having been said, I know damn well that you may keep hanging
around, making excuses to be near her, and wondering what may come of it

and what it all means. HEY! You’ve fallen for someone! This is what humans
do! Sometimes it’s even enjoyable!

Someday you might fall for a woman, or man, that is available and therefore
less “safe” (than someone who is out of reach and easier to keep in the realm
of fantasy).

Until then, walk with honor. Feel good about her. Feel good about yourself.

Hugs,

Nightsinge

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