it occurs to me that sometimes people need to have an external permission to be what they are
partly because I have been asked by several people for permission about them expressing their sexuality
I have given several men permission to be gay and a few women permission to be bisexual
Not that I have any power or ability or authority at all
but I still get asked and somehow, my granting permission has power because they give it power
I discovered this in an uncomfortable way
a lesbian pal of mine asked my advise – she had met a man who had all the qualities that she wanted in a woman and she just didn’t know what to do
I told her to consider whether it was the man or the qualities that he embodied were what was attractive
she said she wasn’t sure
I told her to let go of her hang up of gender and if these were qualities that she wanted in a partner and he was interested, then why not date him?
she was concerned about her lesbian identity and whether dating a man would mean that she wasn’t or couldn’t be again
I suggested that worrying about these things could prevent her from ever being happy in a relationship, so she had to decide which was more important – her lesbian identity or a happy relationship
SHe ended up dating him – a few weeks later, they threw a party and I was invited.
I liked the man very much on the spot – he was a science fiction geek who owned and ran a comic book store – but was a kind, funny and gentle man.
He asked to speak privately with me. Curious, I followed him outside
He thanked me for giving my friend permission to date him
I thought he was winding me up, because, seriously, I do not have that kind of power or control or authority; so I said, “well, I can take it away anytime”
He nearly burst into tears – I was horrified that he actually thought I really had that power more than that I would used it badly –
other scenarios have been a lot lighter – several men were concerned about what women would think of them if they were gay – so I pointed out that if they were gay that women were not relevant to them – which seemed to be a great relief
because seriously, why would it matter what anyone that you weren’t in a relationship thinks of you?