We’ve spent weeks flirting with one another. She makes a point of coming to my
desk or touching me whenever we’re talking. She laughs at my jokes…and all I can
do is try to contain the pounding beat of my heart and not get too flustered.
My brain dries up to a prune and I (worst of all) start sweating. I know she’s straight
and married which means I can’t do anything about it, but the more she flirts with
me, the more I fancy her and the more flustered I get.
It’s got so I’m nervous of going into the office. I don’t think she notices that I’m nervous – I do a good cover up job with a sense of humour. It’s just beginning to wear me out. Trouble is, I’m not sure if I want her to stop, or encourage it to go one step further.
The straight and married isn’t necessarily the biggest problem – it’s the co-worker part.
When any office romances go bad, it can be very bad.
Is she in a higher job position or are you? You must be aware of the
possibility of sexual harassment complaints. Does your company have a “no-frat”
policy? Would you be risking your job? Or hers?
How sure are you that she’s really flirting? Laughing at jokes and touching
your arm can just mean that she’s friendly and likes your sense of humour.
Does she know you’re a lesbian? Are you out at work? If you make a blatant
move on her, and she’s just being friendly, will she out you and are you going
to lose your job?
When was the last time you dated? Maybe what you need is a more
immediately attainable, less dangerous attraction. Then, you’ll be able to take
her flirting in stride.
She may not want to do more than what she is doing. She may be in the
coming out process herself, and not willing to do more than test the waters, with someone she thinks is safe. Or she may be oblivious to the effect she has on you.
A same sex office romance can go bad even worse than a het one, but it can be fun having sex in the bathroom and other places. Just decide if that forbidden thrill is worth the risk.
If you’re willing to be a discrete, short term, bit on the side, and you’re sure
the co-worker part isn’t going to explode in your face and destroy your
career, then, hey, you’re technically not the one cheating.
If you’re looking at her like she’s a possible Ms. Right, long term relationship.
Well, to be really blunt, she’s supposed to already be in one. With a man.
The trouble is: if she’s willing to cheat on him, what’s to stop her cheating on
you later? And maybe even….with another man….
Before you make any decisions, figure out what you want the end result to be
(say in five years – where are you and she working and who are the three of
you (you, her and her husband –are there children?) living with: her with
him or her with you or her and him & you and someone else?).
And then take the steps to make your longer term desired result happen.
Where are the flirting opportunities?
Any where women are.
Just make your opening conversation appropriate to your surroundings:
For example, at the supermarket, you might try: “How ripe do you think these tomatoes are, really?” While holding them up, creatively, for display.
But vague flirts like that can be misinterpreted. I say, flirt with something a little more direct, but still allows you to save some face, like:
“Do you think the expiry date on whipping cream means you should lick it off before midnight or do you think that it’s more of a ballpark deadline?”
At lesbian bars, I’ve found my best success with a simple “Don’t you find Lesbian bars really unfriendly?”
If they laugh, you’re in, if not, then they’re not some you want to date anyway.
In fact, showing your sense of humour is a great way to screen your dates, do you really want to wind up with someone who doesn’t get your sense of humour? Or worse, someone totally humourless?
Are there places I shouldn’t flirt?
With the possible exception of with the Bride at the wedding, basically any woman is fair game wherever you encounter them.
But again, possible exception, after all, if the Bride seems remotely hesitant walking down the aisle, then you shouldn’t hesitate; after all, there’s got to be a reason, right?