In love with married man 04/06/01 12:36 AM
Dear Aunty agony,
I’m feeling very, very cheated by this guy C who is married. I’ve fallen very deeply
with him. C promised that he will divorce his wife latest by Mar. But till now, he
hasn’t do so.
Actually last month, they nearly divorced cuz the wife created a scene in front of his
colleagues. I was there and I witnessed everything. If I’m C, I will give her a tight
slap, cuz she was really too much! But C didn’t and remained very cool.
The next day the whole office was talking about it then. C felt very humiliated and
wanted to divorce her. However, the wife pleaded him to give her a second chance.
This issue brought the wife’s parents/brother into picture. They pleaded C to take
into consideration of their 2 kids.
In the end, C gave in and didn’t divorce his wife. I was very devastated! Prior to this
argument they had, C and his wife have been quarrelling almost everyday. I don’t
see there’s any other reason for them to be together. But C is hesitant cuz his 2nd
child is only 4months old! I was very, very sad when he told me that! In the first
place, he told me that he would divorce the wife immediately after she gave birth.
But now, C gave me another story.
He asked me to give him some time to settle things with his wife. Cuz he
wants his wife to initiate the divorce out of incompatibility and not out of third party
as he wants to avoid the maintenance fees after divorce.
He kept telling me that he doesn’t love the wife anymore. It is just responsibilities
that kept the marriage going. He treats me very well and always try to regain my
trust for him. And also, he told me that he did not make love with his wife from her
2nd pregnancy until now. We make love every week. I think it’s really impossible that
he didn’t make love to his wife. Should I believe in him?
Pls advise me. Should I wait for him to divorce or shall I just call it off?
Appreciate your prompt reply. Thks!
RE: In love with married man
Hi, well, first I’d like to repeat that I am not a counselor or professional
shrink. Just a dyke with HTML knowledge and an attitude.
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TO BE SECOND STRING. and so does his wife.
My basic philosophy is this: if the person you love is already in a relationship,
then find someone else to love.
This guy you work with is already married, and has kids – one of whom is a
baby. So that means he’s recently had sex with the wife, and, since women
don’t usually know they are pregnant until the second month, his line about
no sex since the second week is very unbelievable.
What you need to look at is not how he is treating you right now, but how he
is treating his wife right now – cheating on her, slamming her to co-workers,
trying to force her into filing for divorce to avoid paying for support and
The reason you need to pay attention to his treatment of his present wife, is
because this will likely be you in five years.
As long as you and the wife are willing to put up with his half-time and half-assed
commitments, he will continue to do so.
In my view, you should dump him and move on to someone that is willing to
be yours full time, and so should his wife.
Just take a minute and look at this situation from her point of view, she
married this guy, had children with him, now he’s cheating on her, and you
may not be the first or the only one, and yet, she’s pretty desperate to hang
onto him – showing up at his workplace? That’s pretty dramatic.
It’s not that I think marriage is sacred or anything like that, relationships
change all the time, you fall out of love, meet someone else, but, if you are
any kind of person worth being with, you have the decency to end the
unsatisfying relationship before starting a new one.
You and his wife are the ones being hard done by in this, not him. He’s in the
catbird seat, calling all the shots.
My opinion is that it’s never good to get involved with someone already in a
and I ended up repeating this conversation in person last week with a woman who works in a local restaurant that I enjoy:
She was dating a married man with kids and she wanted to know if I thought she should wait for him.
I told her no,that he was married with kids and he was not going to leave that.
Even if he did,she needed to take note of the wife because that would be her in 4 years.
That probably, he had more than her on the side.
She admitted that that her friends all said the same thing.
I told her that she was beautiful and she deserved a man who made her his number 1 and his only girl.
That she deserved a whole relationship – and really, don’t we all regardless of our orientation or the gender of our partners?
More than that, as a person as a secondary partner, hat she did not have a relationship with him that she had fantasy; because she would never look at him and say take me out to dinner the kids were horrible.
Because she was too scared to be herself, to be real.
Further, that he was avoiding his real responsibilities and blaming his culture on it as he is in an arranged marriage.
But it is still a contract – legally and morally – and he is still in a family with responsibilities.
I told her, if he was that unhappy that he needed to stand up to his mother and his father and be honest with his wife.
Get free and then be with her or be alone for a while – its’ not good for the children to be raised in a loveless, fighting or half involved heads of families – it’s a terrible example in fact. Horrifying.
she said he will never do that – to leave them – so so i said: then you already know the answer.
you should not wait for a man or a woman who will never be yours
and find a man pr who will be hers and make her his number 1 – and that you make your one and only as well.